Conflict is an essential part of activism, as it is fundamental to challenging the status quo. Conflict has the creative power to push movements forward and the destructive power to derail them. The FCA has dealt with both sides of conflict,experiencing both its positive and negative connotations . Our fight for intersectional feminism is an invitation for conflict as we stand against all systems of oppression, not just one. Knowing this, how can we prepare ourselves to handle conflict better? What are conflict management tools, skills and agreements we can develop as individuals and as a group?
I am writing this as a human who is in the process of developing better conflict skills, not as an expert. I have witnessed and contributed to unhealthy conflict, just like we all have. I will share my current thoughts on interpersonal conflict skills in this article and will share some personal insights on conflict and mental health in a follow-up article.
I must give credit where it is due. I have deepened my understanding of this topic through participating in Avnø Oasis’ Community Education Program. This three month-long program provided me with both the education and experience of being an active member of an ecovillage. If you want to get better at conflict, living, working and studying with the same people in a community is a great way to do it.
What does healthy and unhealthy conflict look like?
Before we consider how we can develop conflict skills, it’s important to be clear about what healthy conflict can look like and why it’s worth pursuing in the first place.
I like this explanation of conflict from Jeremy Pollack: “Healthy conflict, often termed constructive conflict, involves an open exchange of differing ideas where all parties feel heard and respected. It is characterized by a spirit of mutual respect and a shared goal of finding a solution beneficial to all involved.” Pollack says that healthy conflict can help one nurture stronger relationships, come up with better ideas and foster personal growth. Constructive conflict in activist spaces, well, constructs. It can support group learning, relationship building, strategizing and identifying blind spots. This does not mean that the process is easy; some of the most generative and healing conversations involve some level of vulnerability and discomfort. Ideally, this discomfort is of service to all participants who leave feeling whole with a widened understanding of an issue or person.
Unhealthy conflict is basically the opposite of the above. We’ve all seen how conversations can veer from a central issue to the personal. These conversations usually bring up challenging emotions such as fear or shame. Pollack says that unhealthy conflict can show up in many situations, often involving lack of clear communication, mismanaged expectations and the presence of unresolved issues from the past. I extend “unresolved issues from the past” to include unresolved trauma.
The risk of conflict becoming personal is that it can escalate, erode relationships and make all involved parties a “loser.” The Conflict Escalation Model created by Friedrich Glasl describes nine stages of conflict. These stages happen over three phases, where the dynamic varies from being constructive (win-win,) to becoming personal (win-lose) to becoming destructive (lose-lose.) While Glasl created this model for organisations, it’s easy to see how it can apply to small groups and society at large.
In short, no activist space can be 100% “safe,” but we can prepare ourselves to handle conflict when it appears.
How can we get better at conflict as individuals?
As a learning and development specialist, I affirm that different people have different learning goals and styles. There are countless ways through which one can develop conflict skills, so I will share concepts and tools that resonate with me and invite you to share your ideas and strategies in the comments section.
Karpman’s Drama Triangle
Stephen B. Karpman developed the Drama Triangle model of social interaction in 1968. It has helped me understand the role I play in interpersonal conflict. It has also led to some epiphanies that affect my mental health which I will discuss in a future article.
The Drama Triangle describes three unhealthy roles that people can adopt when trying to resolve a conflict. These roles are called the Victim, the Rescuer and the Persecutor. All of us are capable of playing all three roles. Which roles we play or shift between in a conflict can be influenced by childhood experiences and unmet emotional needs.
The Victim role emerges when a person feels powerless. They might believe they are incapable of helping themselves and that they need somebody else to rescue them.
The Rescuer role emerges when a person tries to meet their needs through solving other people’s problems. While this might look like a noble thing to do, the Rescuer often gets involved in a situation without being asked as a strategy to avoid their own feelings.
The Persecutor tries to get control in a relationship through blaming, criticizing or punishing the other person. Similar to the Rescuer, this behavior is a strategy for avoiding feelings of vulnerability.
Participants in a drama triangle dynamic can change roles. For example, the person who initially takes on the Victim role might become the Persecutor by blaming and criticizing another participant.
According to Karpman’s model, people fall into these roles in an attempt to meet their emotional needs. These roles are ineffective strategies because they trap people in co-dependent dynamics instead of creating the connection that they are looking for.
The Drama Triangle model can be a useful tool for developing self-awareness. This can look like reflecting on examples of unhealthy conflict you’ve been in, and role that you have played in these dynamics. Self-reflection practices like journalling or enlisting a therapist can support this process.
The next step is to identify and practice more effective strategies for handling conflict. David Emerald proposed an alternative model to the Drama Triangle called the Empowerment Triangle in his book The Power of TED*. In this model, the Victim turns into the Creator, the Rescuer turns into the Coach and the Persecutor turns into the Challenger. Each of the empowered roles use strategies that meet emotional needs effectively while creating connection through mutual understanding. This is easier said than done – that being said, getting better at conflict can start with taking responsibility for the role you play in it.
Nonviolent Communication
Taking responsibility for the roles we play in conflict can become easier if we learn how to take responsibility for our feelings. Nonviolent communication (NVC) is a process and skillset that can support that.
Marshall Rosenburg developed the NVC process over the 1960s and 70s with the aim of increasing empathy and reducing conflict. NVC provides a toolset for having challenging conversations in a way that deescalates, rather than trigger, big emotions. This makes it a powerful and popular tool amongst activists.
NVC is a four step process:
1. Observation. This means opening healthy conflict by describing specific, observable facts about a situation. The idea is that people are generally more open to hearing criticism when you start with neutral facts.
2. Feelings. This step involves naming the feelings one experienced in the situation described in the previous step without blame. Making ourselves vulnerable through sharing our feelings (not thoughts or explanations) can help other people understand us better.
3. Needs. This step involves identifying and expressing our unmet needs in the situation at hand. The Center for Nonviolent Communication has createda list of universal needs that can support this step.
4. Request. This final step builds on the previous three by requesting a specific behavior going forward. A request is not a demand. The person making a request should be open to receiving a “no.”
NVC can make it easier to step into the empowerment triangle by depersonalizing conflict. It can help people empathetically attend to each others needs, even when they hold very different opinions.
NVC is more challenging in practice than it is on paper. Fortunately, there are many resources available that cater to different learning needs and styles. Ultimately, learning and applying NVC is a pathway for developing maturity. I am personally excited to see practitioners expanding NVC by viewing it through a decolonial lens.
How can we get better at conflict together?
Activist groups can take proactive measures to create safer spaces for healthy conflict. I will share the ways I’ve seen different groups approach this, and this list is not exhaustive. Please contribute your ideas and practices in the comments section below.
The first step a group can take is to review past and potential conflict situations to see what can be done to prevent them in the future. If lack of clear communication, mismanaged expectations and the presence of unresolved issues are potential sources of conflict, groups can define and communicate clear responsibilities.
A valuable practice a group can do is to design common agreements together for how members interact with each other. Examples of agreements could be “we practice nonviolent communication,” “we resolve tension through direct communication,” “we work in a way where we don’t harm ourselves,” or “we aim to join essential meetings.” These agreements can go beyond supporting conflict situations, they can also help onboard new members and align members on important activities.
Activist groups can also create a process for how they escalate conflict. For example, some groups have external mediators available. Agreeing on how the process works and who can support it up front can provide a clear pathway down the road.
Lastly, activist groups can support their members in developing skills through training, feedback and resources. Helping people have better conflict is a form of activism in itself.
Resources I love
I highly recommend listening to this episode from adrienne maree brown’s podcast series “How to Survive the End of the World” where she and her sister talk about how to deal with online trolling and betrayal by loved ones.
Kai Cheng Thom is a trans femme writer, somatic coach and trained mediator who has written about how to de-escalate conflict and transformative justice among other things.
This article was edited by FCA member, Laura
