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Sunday Feminist Discussion (28.09.2025) Statistics and Sources – Femicide in the Netherlands and Abroad

CONTENT WARNING: THIS DOCUMENT CONTAINS FACTS ABOUT VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN

Our last discussion dealt with the heavy topic of femicide. Hence, to prepare for this discussion, our team of moderators conducted research and found numerous statistics on various websites across different European countries. To make the discussion more interactive, we decided not to provide too many statistics. However, we created this document so that everyone can review the research we conducted while preparing the discussion. You will find different sources and statistics organized by country, cases we had time to focus on, or those with which we were more familiar. We will try to update this document as much as possible.

-The FCA.

Definition of a ‘femicide’ (politicised by the sociologist Diana E.H. Russel).

The killing of a woman because she is a woman. Gender based violence is an expression of patriarchal power structures and occurs in all levels of society, independent of origin, education, or religion. Femicides occur across socioeconomic classes and various societal milieus, as well as in different cultures, it also often includes domestic violence in the first place. In mainstream media, politics, and in some legal systems, structural violence against women is often referred to as “family tragedy”, “separation killing” (after a separation), “relationship drama”, which ignores the structural and societal dimension of this type of violence and individualizes the cases, playing them down. Forms of femicide also include gender-selective forced abortion, infanticide, or geronticide (killing of the elderly).

Istanbul Convention. The Council of Europe Convention on preventing and combating violence against women and domestic violence requires parties to develop laws, policies, and support services to end violence against women and domestic violence. Parties are free to implement it in different ways through legislative or political measures; hence, it shows that they are committed to it in theory, but the actual implementation may differ in practice.

The Istanbul Convention specifies several forms of gender-based violence against women that are to be criminalised (or, where applicable, otherwise sanctioned). These are:

  • psychological violence
  • stalking
  • physical violence
  • sexual violence (including rape)
  • forced marriage
  • female genital mutilation
  • forced abortion
  • forced sterilisation
  • sexual harassment

“In addition, the Istanbul Convention sets out the obligation to ensure that culture, custom, religion, tradition, or so-called “honour” are not regarded as justification for any of the acts of violence covered by its scope.” (Article 42 of the Istanbul Convention). 

“The Istanbul Convention also covers domestic violence, including all acts of physical, sexual, psychological or economic violence that occur within the family or domestic unit or between former or current spouses or partners, whether or not the perpetrator shares or has shared the same residence with the victim.” (see Article 1 – Purposes of the Convention).

General statistics. 

Data on femicides in Europe. This website gives general statistics of femicide around Europe, as well as the possible legal instruments to combat femicide.

According to the UN (report on Femicides in 2023, global estimates of intimate partner/family member femicides), in 2023: 

  • Globally 85.000 women and girls were murdered and 60% of them were killed by their sexual partner or by a family member. Approximately, this means that 140 women and girls were murdered everyday (one woman every 10 minutes). 
  • Most femicides took place in Africa, Asia, North America and South America (in absolute numbers, not in relation to the number of inhabitants).
  • The number of femicides are increasing in Europe since 2010 (while looking at this data, it is important to keep in mind that there was less consideration of what a femicide was before these years).

This report also touches upon measures that could help prevent femicides. 

Country facts – statistics and legislation.

The Netherlands. 

The number of women who die from femicide is hard to say exactly, as motives are not properly recorded in statistics. Still, it is safe to say that the majority of women who are murdered in the Netherlands are victims of femicide, with the vast majority of them being murdered by (ex)partners and coinciding with domestic violence. 

  • Women murdered per year
    • 2010-2020: on average 42 per year.
    • 2021: 38
    • 2022: 48
    • 2023: 41
    • 2024: 46

Note. The now often-quoted number of 1 woman every 8 days reflects the total number of women who are murdered and not necessarily the number of femicides.

  • Murders related to domestic violence.

Between 2014 and 2023:

  • 54,4% of murdered women were murdered by their (ex)partner
  • 21,1% of murdered women were murdered by a family member

Between 2020 and 2024: 

  • 58% of murdered women were murdered by their (ex)partner.
  • 54% of murdered women experienced domestic violence.
  • 41% of women in the Netherlands have experienced physical or sexual violence at some point in their life. 
  • 1 in 3 women in the Netherlands has experienced sexual violence.
  • 1 in 3 women in the Netherlands has experienced psychological violence at the hand of the (ex)partner.
  • 1 in 5 women in the Netherlands has experienced physical or sexual domestic violence.
  • Almost 1 in 6 women in the Netherlands has experienced physical or sexual violence by a (ex)partner.
  • Over 25 % of women in the Netherlands has experienced sexual violence by someone who was not her (ex)partner after the age of 15.
  • 1 in 14 women in the Netherlands was raped by someone who was not her (ex)partner after the age of 15.
  • 1 in 5 women in the Netherlands has experienced stalking
  • 40% of women in the Netherlands has experienced sexual intimidation at work
  • Legislation.

There is no legal definition of femicide in the Netherlands. It falls under first and second degree murder. In 2016, the Netherlands signed the Istanbul Convention, but the Netherlands has been slow to implement legislation compared to other signing countries. In 2024, the government presented a plan of approach called ‘Stop Femicide’.

This week (September 25) the Ministry of Justice and Safety announced to launch a campaign to spread awareness about domestic violence and femicide called ‘Waar ben je’ (Where are you). It will focus primarily on making people aware of how to recognize signs of forceful control within relationships. Related to this campaign, the Ministry also intends to train professionals and police officers to better recognize signs of forceful control, and forceful control will also be a focus in a new proposal to criminalize psychological violence.

Spain. 

  • VioGen app (which is abbreviation for gender-based violence)

The application presents a questionnaire aims at assessing the risk for violence. The majority of police officers that work with the app is educated on consequences of gender-based violence. However, the app has been criticized for re-traumatisation since it can only be filled in after filing charges. Many women don’t press charges and thus do not have access to the app. Moreover, it is difficult to assess the risk and severity of violence based on an algorithm, but it is working better for violence assessment rather than risk of femicide. 

  • Electronic ankle tag for potential domestic violence offenders has been used in 13.000 cases so far and prevented femicides in these cases.
  • 2004. First law on GBV. 
  • 2022. ‘Solo si es si’ (only yes means yes) law.

Germany.

There is no consistent definition of femicide up to this day in Germany. 

  • Legislation.

There is no offence in German legislation that is only about femicide (it falls under first/second degree murder). The motivation for a crime is not recorded in the Police Crime Statistics (Polizeiliche Kriminalstatistik). The legislation in Germany has weaknesses that can contribute to violence escalation, (e.g. violent fathers do not have to keep distance from women if these fathers still have the right to see their children). Courts often rule that the murder took place because men are desperate or disappointed about the separation. This motive is not seen as ‘ulterior motives’ and leads to a weaker sentence. Germany is fully implementing the Istanbul Convention since 2023 (officially since 2018, but with two reservations).

  • Since the motivation for a crime is not recorded in the Police Crime Statistics (Polizeiliche Kriminalstatistik), the study looks at the total number of female victims of killings.
  • Data from crimes categorised as ‘based on prejudices against women’ (category of hate crime) and crimes that are ‘committed to the disadvantage of women, or primary concern women’ (sexual crimes, domestic violence, human trafficking for sexual exploitation, digital violence and femicide).
  • Violence against women and girls increases in all categories, the study offers several explanations:
  • Men feel threatened in their position due to increasing emancipation of women
  • Role of the internet: hate messages against women are widely spread and can reinforce misogynist attitudes
  • Women might increasingly report incidences 
  • Femicide in Germany occurs almost everyday
  • Every three minutes, women and girls are victims of domestic violence (domestic violence also contains violence within families and partnerships independent of whether the victim and the suspect live together).
  • More than 140 women and girls are victims of sexual crimes every day.
  • 68,6% of all killing of women occur in the context of domestic violence (i.e. violence within the family or partnerships).
  • In 2023:
  • 180.715 female victims of domestic violence (increase of 5,6% compared to 2022)
  • 360 women and girls were killed (247 in the context of domestic violence)
  • 938 women and girls were victims of attempted or completed killings
  • Male suspects
    • in 98,9% of cases of rape or sexual abuse are male
    • in 98,7% of sexual harassment
    • in 95,5% of sexual abuse of children and youth 
  • 62,3% of victims of digital violence are female (in 2023 17.139), e.g. cyber stalking or cyber grooming (25% more than in 2022)
  • 31,5% of female victims of human trafficking are aged below 21 yrs
  • political motivated crimes against women increased by 56,3% in 2023 compared to 2022 (322 crimes in total)
  • 70,5% of all domestic violences cases are female victims

Greece. 

Greece has no separate femicide offence in the Criminal Code; relevant prosecutions fall under intentional homicide and related articles.

In Greece, talking about abuse is still hard and institutions or the police make the process extremely slow and discouraging for the victims. Survivors almost always have to fight to be heard.

  • Legislation.

Because “femicide” isn’t a separate crime, judges can weigh things like “good prior character” or “remorse,” which can lower sentences. Also, there have been cases when immediate “remorse” was shown by the perpetrator like calling the police right after committing the crime is seen as “good behavior” and it is judged as a crime upon passion, which then leads to much less strict sentences for men and even encourages other men to follow the same pattern. This pattern is actually seen over and over again since 2021 after one of the most covered by the news case of femicide.

The femicide of Caroline Crouch (2021).

Caroline Crouch, a 20-year-old British woman living in Greece, was murdered in her home. Her husband, Babis Anagnostopoulos, a Greek pilot, initially claimed the house had been invaded by robbers. The case shocked the country because of the brutal details and because he kept up the façade for weeks. After about a month, police uncovered evidence contradicting his story and he confessed to killing Caroline. In the Caroline Crouch case, what stood out was how the media framed her husband, Babis Anagnostopoulos, as the “successful pilot.” Many reports stressed his career and status, with people asking “how could someone like him do such a thing?” This narrative suggested that wealth, education, or prestige somehow made him less likely to commit violence. In reality, the case showed that femicide can be committed by any man, regardless of social profile. 

In the aftermath of the femicide, retired police unionist Stavros Balaskas said in a TV interview that if the pilot (Babis Anagnostopoulos) had confessed immediately after killing her, it could have been treated as a “crime of passion” and he would have faced a lighter sentence. His exact framing was that the crime could have been “characterized differently” and instead of a life sentence, Anagnostopoulos might have received “4–6 years in prison.”

  • The comment was widely condemned as an example of how institutional voices normalize or minimize femicide. After this comment, many perpetrators would basically call the police right after killing their partners so they could “get away” with smaller sentences.

The femicide of Kyriaki Griva.

On 2 April 2024, 28-year-old Kyriaki Griva was fatally stabbed by her ex-partner right outside a police station in Athens. Just minutes earlier, she had called the police asking for protection as she could predict that her partner was going to hurt her, but officers told her patrol cars “aren’t taxis” and sent her away. What shocked Greece was not only the murder itself, but that it happened at the doorstep of a police station — showing how institutions can fail women even in the very place they go to seek safety. The case caused massive uproar. Officers involved were disciplined but that was about it. In July 2025, a mixed jury court found the perpetrator guilty of homicide in a calm mental state. He was sentenced to life imprisonment + 5 years, rejecting his claims of diminished responsibility.

Greek groups / initiatives in support of recognizing “femicide”:

  • #Her_name. This advocacy project is focused on pushing the institutional and legal recognition of femicide, promoting awareness and educational tools, and working in civil society for change.
  • YWCA Greece. It has attempted to bring the term “femicide” to more visibility in international feminist forums. At the World YWCA 29th World Council (2019), YWCA Greece presented a motion to adopt “femicide.”

France. 

There is no definition of femicide in the French Penal Code. France defines femicide as it is written in the Istanbul Convention, ratified by France in 2014.

  • Legislation.

The European Institute for Gender Equality’s report (2021) describes the legal mechanisms and definitions in French law used to measure femicide in France.

  • The French Penal Code
  • Article 221-4. “Murder is punished with life imprisonment when committed: (…) (9) by the spouse or partner of the victim or a partner linked to the victim by a civil solidarity pact”. 
  • Since 2017, sexism has been considered an aggravating circumstance for a crime or misdemeanour (Article 132-77), in the same way as homophobia or racism. 
  • Article 132-80 provides for an aggravating circumstance when the perpetrator is a victim’s current or former intimate partner.
  • Administrative data available in France

Official data concerning femicide is collected and analysed in France by the Delegation for Victims under the Ministry of the Interior. In addition, non-governmental organisations such as “Féminicides par compagnons ou ex” and media outlets such as Agence France-Presse and Libération collect non-official data from different sources.

  • NGOs and feminist movements.

Launched in January 2023, the Inter Orga Féminicides or IOF aims to raise collective awareness around the phenomenon of femicide in all spheres of our society. The IOF is made up of five founding organizations: Acceptess-T, La Fédération Parapluie Rouge, les Dévalideuses, Act Up-Paris and #NousToutes.

This organization defined what a femicide is in their own ways. As “the murder or forced suicide of a woman because of her gender, no matter her age nor the circumstances”. Nous Toutes, hold their own countdown of the number of femicide, a wall of “femmages” (we also use the word “hommage” in french – and a man is “un homme” while a woman is “une femme” – they therefore switched “hommage” with femmage”) as an hommage to the victims, and describe the circumstances of each of these femicides.

  • In France, a woman is killed every 2-3 days
  • 1 out of 2 women experienced sexual violence.
  • 1 out of 6 women experienced sexual abuse in their childhood. 
  • 80% of disabled women have been victims of violence.
  • A rape or attempt of rape every 2min30s. 
  • 213 000 women victims of physical or sexual violence by their partner or ex-partner each year. 
  • In 91% of cases, women know their aggressors

As mentioned above, NousToutes hold their own countdown of women victims of a femicide per year (the numbers given by French feminist organizations slightly differ from governmental figures). So far in 2025, there has already been 116 femicides.

The French government also created and funds the number 3919, a single call number for victims of domestic violence, managed by the National Federation of Women’s Solidarity (FNSF).

Cyprus. 

Does not yet publish an official femicide series.

  • Legislation.

Femicide is a distinct crime since July 2022 (Amending Law 117(I)/2022 to Law 115(I)/2021). It states: “any person who, with an unlawful act or omission, causes the death of a woman, is guilty of femicide and liable to life imprisonment. Cyprus also ratified the Istanbul Convention (entered into force 1 Mar 2018) and aligned wide Violence Against Women offences via Law 115(I)/2021 (stalking, cyber-violence, updated rape, etc.). There are gaps in the implementation of the law that was passed.

How does the police handle it through structures and tools? Special Divisional Units in each district investigate domestic-violence cases; the Safeguarding Sub-Directorate handles DV/child sexual abuse/missing persons/juveniles. As for the risk assessment, Cyprus uses a standardized tool (informed by DASH) and runs multi-agency case conferences (MARAC-style) for high-risk cases; many referrals come from police assessments.  

An independent evaluation of GREVIO (2022), assesses these tools. On the positive side they point out the dedicated police units, a 2018 risk-assessment protocol as well as case conferences (Women’s House). However, they also point out some concerns as risk tools are not systematically used by the police, there is an inconsistent repetition of risk assessments during proceedings, limited geographical coverage of coordinated case reviews. Moreover, overlapping laws create confusion on emergency barring/protection orders and case-tracking systems don’t show the full report-to-conviction path.  

Under-reporting is substantial. Only ~15% of Intimate Partner Violence victims reported to police; there are data gaps across justice outcomes. After high-profile killings (e.g., the 2019 serial-killer case of seven foreign women/girls), media attention and public scrutiny rose exposing bias and institutional failures, which authorities acknowledged. Civil-society and human-rights reviews note scarce, inconsistent official data and shortcomings in coordination and victim support infrastructure (e.g., limited specialized services).  

  • Statistics.

Cyprus only recently defined femicide in law, and official femicide statistics are not yet published; analysts rely on police homicide counts, NGO case mapping (MIGS), and media aggregation.

PhileNews (15th of April 2024).“The Legal Service noted that if we are talking about a premeditated crime, then the conviction is based on the crime of murder and not femicide. On the contrary, if it was committed in the heat of the moment, then it is considered femicide. In murder, it was clarified, mitigating circumstances are not taken into account, while in femicide, although life imprisonment is provided for, mitigating circumstances are also provided for, thus reducing the sentence from life imprisonment.”

Alpha News (5th of September 2025). “The 53-year-old man accused of murdering 34-year-old Irini Papakitsa in Chloraka was discharged yesterday from the Athalassa Mental Health Hospital. After the murder of his partner, he was initially treated at Nicosia General Hospital and later at Athalassa Mental Health Hospital. He faces charges of premeditated murder, femicide, and attempted murder of the minor child of the woman with whom he lived and whom he murdered. Some people get away with being “mentally unstable” but it’s very hard to evaluate the situation when something like that happens. We are risking using that as an excuse for men who kill their wives.”

Türkiye.

  • Legislation.

In 2011, Türkiye signed the Istanbul Convention to fight violence against women, but withdrew from it in 2021. In the 1990s, there was almost no systematic data on femicides. Women’s associations tried to collect information, but most of their work focused on supporting victims. In 2010, the We Will Stop Femicides Platform was founded. Since the state did not share data, the platform has been publishing annual femicide reports since then. In 2018, the government launched the KADES app, which lets women send their location to the police with one tap in emergencies. More than 7.8 million women have downloaded it.

However, political and religious figures increasingly use restrictive and normative statements about women. (In 2025, Türkiye declared the “Year of Family.” The Presidency of Religious Affairs criticized laws protecting women’s inheritance rights on religious grounds). The efforts of law enforcement are insufficient (in 2024, 20 women had protection orders at the time they were murdered) and there is still an overly patriarchal/gender-based judiciary.

  • Statistics.

Between 2020 and 2024, femicides rose by 31% and suspicious deaths by 51%. The Monument Counter’s website keeps a counter that is updated every day and commemorates women who lost their lives due to domestic violence: “With the opening of a separate page for each woman, one can see how, why and by whom she has been killed as well as whether she requested protection from the government. One can also see the news in the media regarding the femicide. This draws attention to the difference in the language used over the years by the media in covering these news.”

Through feminist platforms, all femicide and suspicious death cases are monitored by women’s associations. They are kept on the public agenda organically via social media. During case follow-ups, protests are organized in front of courthouses when necessary, and women attend trials to generate public pressure. Despite police pressure, women organized night marches and built a protest culture with banners, clothing, and slogans. At protests, women often use the slogan of the We Will Stop Femicides Platform: “You will never walk alone.”

  •  Cases.
  • Ceyda Yüksel, who was murdered for refusing sexual intercourse, the refusal was considered “provocation,” reducing the killer’s sentence from life imprisonment to 18 years.
  • In 2009, the murder of Münevver Karabulut shocked the public and brought femicides into the spotlight.
  • 2015, the brutal murder of Özgecan Aslan sparked mass protests

Sunday Feminist Discussion (30.4.23) summary – Media

We started the discussion talking about the differences between the media newspaper and social media. Whereas newspapers present ‘objective’ data and facts, social media can facilitate validating one’s own opinions by only engaging with and following people you agree with. In offline life, one’s opinions might be challenged more. The question was asked whether we (think we) choose media that confirm our bias. 

In debates, some of us have made the experience that our contributions were dismissed as ‘only your own experience’  whereas they would rather rely on data to make a claim. Yet, this data can only be generated based on lived experiences. Theorising cannot be done without lived experiences. Social media allows people to share their lived experiences and make them accessible to others. Moreover, sharing ideas on social media does not require money/funding and thus allows many people to share their perspectives compared to traditional media such as newspapers. However, ‘free’  platforms where one is paying with one’s data and privacy are taking away the space for consent (Sara Ahmed). Social media companies are making money from disembodied conversations. It is important that conversations stay embodied in society. 

We also touched upon the accessibility of media. Both newspapers and the internet (and thus social media) are not accessible to everyone. Compared to social media, newspapers are static. 

We then discussed whether we are talking about the same when we talk about ‘feminism’ and ‘media’. One participant shared the observation that in the Netherlands, there seems to be a generation that thinks feminism implies that women are seen as better than men. How can we moderate this view which is not accurate looking at current feminism. It is rather a misconception, referring back to the first wave of feminism which pointed out that men and women are not equal (due to their position in society). 

Another topic touched upon was the westernisation of feminism. We need a post-colonial feminism that acknowledges the complexity of feminisms and is not essentialising feminism into one. As bell hooks analyses: We have to identify the root causes of abusive powers that interconnect us. As long as these root causes are not addressed we ‘stay on our islands’. We often mainly hear white feminist voices and lack information on feminism in the Global South. Western feminism cannot be simply applied to the Global South. Yet, in the media only one perspective on for example the Middle East is applied. From the 1990s on, critiques in academia rose pointing out that feminism is westernised. However, this criticism should also take place in the media which should be de-colonised. White feminism should be challenged.

We then talked about education through social media (ourselves and others). Some of us share what we are reading but do not feel obliged to educate – people are responsible for themselves and no one is obliged to take on the emotional load for them. Yet, there is a felt pressure to engage in the discussion to expose people to feminist standpoints. It is a factor to consider in which people one wants to put their energy. On social media, one mostly talks to strangers. Another option than engaging in a discussion could be to live your own truth, living that example which other people can witness.

Relating to this topic, we talked about how to have difficult conversations. How do we start discussions? It takes some conversational skills to get to the emotional core of someone’s (harmful/hurtful) statement. Participants shared that they notice a fear of guilt and of changing one’s behaviour in some conversations. In such conversations, feminists can highlight that it is okay to make mistakes and that it is not expected that someone changes their behaviour right away. Put emphasis on the (un)learning process. We can make clear that we have shared the same struggle (e.g. ‘I have been sexist in that way, too). Also differentiating between identity and acting/behaviour can help. 

This also led to talking about the so-called cancel culture which comes from social media into our offline lives. It comes with the question to what extent to give people room to grow and where to draw the line and cut harmful behaviour off. One participant referenced Angela Davis here who in her work describes what people have done for the feminist movement but also shows critique, e.g. pointing to sexist thoughts these people had. 

We also talked about the origins of ‘cancel culture’, wondering if it is a term that was created by conservatives. It can be seen as an anti-feminist framing making it sound like something bad whereas it does make sense if you look at what cancel culture means. Is there harm in cutting people off when it prevents spreading hurtful words? However, cutting off can also lead to radicalisation. Moreover, cancel culture is not ‘culture’ but just the process of becoming more aware of inequalities and harmful speech/acts. 

‘Woke’, ‘cancel culture’ and ‘feminism’ have become ‘bad’ words. How can we deal with that and what does it do to feminism? Meaning of words change during time, we can (re)appropriate them. In this context, we also talked about the hashtag ‘men are trash’. This hashtag is formulated to shock, to protest, to strike. We discussed whether it has to be radical to be heard. It has to be short to be an effective hashtag. ‘Men are trash’ is about the concept and the structure (patriarchy), not each individual. We didn’t have an agreement among participants regarding if it is helpful or not.

Another topic we touched upon was political views and feminism. Being leftist does not mean one is a feminist by default since we are socialised in a sexist society. Conservative does not necessarily equal sexist and liberal does not necessarily equal feminist. 

Lastly, we collected what we would like to see more in the media. Amongst others, these are: more views on how patriarchy affects everybody; content on men’s liberation; how feminism can support gender identities; more visionary dreaming of how life could look like. Examples would be helpful here, e.g. seeing how parental leave is organised in different countries. 

One participant shared that they would like to see less division. More unity rather than cancelling is desirable. There is no moving forward without discussion.

Some other aspects we talked about/some other questions that were raised

  • The de-shaming process: How can we talk about shame?
  • Need for a concrete action plan
  • Struggle to find good (beginner) access to feminist literature & sources. Therefore we started to make a resource list which can be found below.

Resource list

Places

  • Pakhuis de Zwijger
  • Atria 
  • OBA (openbare bibliotheek Amsterdam)

Books

  • Angela Davis: Women, Race and Class
  • Emma – The mental load (comic). The Guardian has published an extract on benevolent sexism. 
  • Emma – The emotional load (comic)
  • Carol Gilligan/Naomi Snider: Why does Patriarchy persist?
  • Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak, works on post-colonialism 
  • Liz Plank: For the Love of Men
  • Naomi Klein: This changes everything

Podcasts

  • Jameela Jamil: I Weigh
  • The Man Enough (Justin Baldoni, Liz Plank)
  • episode Liz Plank: For the Love of Me

Youtube

  • Carol Gilligan > the male experience (philosopher)

Instagram

  • reneebarreto_
  • Toi Marie – radical black anti-capitalist feminist; de-shame creator content

Sunday Feminist Discussion (26.3.23) summary – Family

There is no denying that everyone has a different understanding of what a family is. So naturally, therefore, we all attach a different meaning to it. 

According to the anthropological and sociological definition, family is the primary function of reproducing, biologically or sociologically, society. Thus, one’s experience of one’s family shifts over time. Family is everything, and at the same time, it can also be a lot.

 First of all, let’s make a distinction between friends and family, if there is one. Some people can consider their family as friends and some consider their friends as family. There can be a genuine emotional bond with your closest friends that you might not have with your family members.

Sometimes friends become parents, and that can change the relationship. It can either create more distance or more bonding into one big family. At the same time, being friends with parents can remind them that they are more than the parents role.

Throughout our discussion, we talked about the idea of the conservative family. We referred to families where children often must treat their parents with absolute respect. However, at the same time, you don’t dare to share with them; you’re not very close to them. Some of us talked about how you only get love once you ‘behave’ in this kind of family. When seeking your parents’ approval may endend up in some manipulative relationship. We agreed that this is not what a family should look like.
We prefer that families won’t be closed units with tension and inauthenticity.

Making changes can sometimes be tricky and challenging, and to do so without offending anyone might be even more complicated. It can feel cagey in this type of family. We talked about how important it was to try not to feel guilty anymore about wanting a different image of the family than the one we grew up in. 

Your family of origin is where you come from, there’s no denying that you can’t get rid of blood relativity, but you can decide which boundaries to place and how to live your life.

Consequently, we talked about some nontraditional ways of thinking of family, other than  in terms of blood relatives. There are many alternative ways to the conservative heteronormative model of family that we are used to see in almost every representation of family in the media. For instance, children may be raised within a community, which refers to a multi-parenting structure. Women can access assisted reproductive technology nowadays which means they can become single mothers by choice. We also discussed the example of co-parenting in which, for instance, a single person is a co-parent with another couple, and all three are legal guardians of the child. Or a couple of people who are not in a romantic relationship who raise a child together. 

Nowadays, there are many patchwork families due to the rise of divorces around the globe. New people may enter the family, and your environment may also change..
We agreed that the important thing about family overall is mutual care, and that ideally you feel around people who are family like there is no obligation and it is just natural to be around them. 

We also talked about the relation of queer theory to the family. his theory stream discusses a new direction of family studies and the teaching of family theories. It attempts to present a model of curricular change for teaching courses on family studies and theories that shift from the exclusion of LGBTQIA+-parentsand compensatory addition of LGBTQIA+-parent families as disadvantaged to a focus on queer and intersectional scholarship and a continuing postmodern paradigm shift.

As we were mostly internationals in this discussion, many of us shared  that Dutch society is way more diverse than our home countries most of the time. In many countries, societal pressure can be felt even harder. For instance, women at a certain age might feel pressured to be in a relationship due to these societal expectations. Our society is driven by romantic relationships and around the model of the heteronormative family. Most of us will feel pressured to be married and even have children.

Based on this model, a woman must be young enough to have children and build a family. Your children have to be biological, and you have the pressure to fulfill this ideal type of family. However,  this representation isn’t  ideal. Especially for mothers who will be the ones to do all the invisible reproductive work which is not treated as work, and for which  they will never be rewarded for. 

After discussing this societal pressure, we can conclude that there is a fundamental implication for society and the state in the family matter. After all, what would society look like without the structure of the nuclear family? The state could participate more in the care of its citizens and ease the pressure  on the nuclear family. For instance, by providing accessible healthcare and free services from a young age to the elderly, such as nurseries, schools, and institutions for older people.
This raises some questions: Should children take care of their parents? Should the state have more care plans for older people? Should the state help people without others to care for them, to have access to elderly institutions? 

On the question of society’s role in our lives, we talked about the distinction between the public and private sphere. Some argue that the household and family must be free from state interference. Of course, everyone is entitled to privacy. Still, at the same time, this will limit essential policies that can support women regarding violence in the household, for instance. Ultimately, human rights will always protect individual rights, and it isn’t easy to distinguish between private and public.

We observed that we’ve grown up in an individualist society. So, eventually, for people who raise children, the burden usually falls on one parent (the mother in heteronormative constructions). We’re no longer in a community mindset of helping each other.
 

Once again, cultural differences between countries were brought up. Someone shared that in Latin America, family is vital; you need to accept it as it is, and you might find excuses for your parents behaving that way. Then we talked about the term ‘tiger moms’ in China. According to Amy Chua, tiger mothers are mothers of Chinese (or other ethnic) origin who are highly controlling and authoritarian, denying their children free time, play dates, and push them towars many extracurricular activities to drive them to high levels of success at any cost.

We then focused on living abroad and how it affects our relations with our family. Most of us moved abroad and all had a different perception of how it affected our families. Some have felt closer to them, even by being far, and maybe created a different bond. Some felt that the direct cause of living abroad was their family. 

We discussed passing a generational trauma from one generation to the other.

We discussed the roles children play according to their order of birth. Such as the older one will sometimes receive more responsibilities and expectations, and that can be a lot for a child to bear. These roles usually also affect us in adulthood later on.

From the way we were brought up, we concluded that in the future (those who choose to) we should learn how to raise children with love and care, decide how we want to be there for them, and understand that they have their own consciousness. Give them more voice, agency, and ways to deal with the power structure and adult supremacy.

Children are not extensions of their parents; they are unique individuals.

For conclusion, we were encouraged to create our own perception of what a family is. Overall, a family can be everything you want it to be, and the most important thing is being able to be yourself around them.

Sunday Feminist Discussion (26.2.23) summary – Body Image

Body image is often related too quickly to weight, but body issues can also be linked to skin issues, hair, body hair, skin color, sexual orientation, or age. In our patriarchal society, women are used to defining their worth around the male gaze and beauty standards that keep changing over time, making it appear impossible to meet society’s standards. For instance, we observed that people in straight relationships, especially women, are hyperfocused on their appearance, which can be traced back to the male gaze phenomenon. 

We first talked about the relationship between weight and health. While health concerns concerning obesity were raised, others argued that many use this argument to justify fatphobia. A double standard concerning weight was mentioned, where during pregnancy, more weight is okay because you’re carrying life. Still, you need to ‘get back in shape’ as soon as possible, which tells much about society. Because society is very concerned with outer appearances, society believes this false causal relationship that being pretty equals being healthy. However, the appearance of a person does not necessarily tell you anything about their health. While there’s no denying that in terms of eating disorders, for instance, not eating is very harmful, it is not addressed the same way as being fat. In the end, it is essential to remember that being in a different shape than society’s ideal picture doesn’t mean you’re less of a person. 

In the same way, it is essential to talk about the impact of social media, which can be harmful and beneficial simultaneously. For starters, social media reflects society and the standards attached to it. These standards, which are impossible to meet and keep changing, can be very harmful to teenagers and everybody using social media, scrolling through their Instagram feed, thinking this is what a normal body should always look like. Consequently, sometimes it feels like your body is not yours, that the way you see it depends on the interpretation that everybody has of it, whether they ‘approve’ it or not. This kind of behavior can affect your self-esteem and lead to body monitoring, which means always thinking about your body in space and how it can look to others. In this way, social media can be very harmful. However, we have seen over the past few years the emergence of the body positivity movement, pushing people to accept their body the way it is because all bodies are good and beautiful; the way we use words when describing our bodies is impactful. Perhaps a rethinking is useful, where we no longer talk about ‘flaws’ that we may have, but rather the different and unique features we all have.

Overall, the main question would be, what is beautiful? What does this word mean? Everybody has a different relationship with this word, so it is essential to deconstruct some patterns and try to think without society’s eyes. It feels like beauty often acts like a currency, in terms of relationships or even jobs, for instance, as you would have to fit into certain norms to access certain things. And therefore, the way you look can become an obsession for many people, especially in your teenage years when the body is naturally changing a lot. Moreover, family influence can have a lot of importance; whether it is a toxic environment or not, it will always have an impact because the parental figure is essential. Many of us have grown up in a toxic environment, making remarks about our bodies or what we eat. Therefore it is necessary to break this toxic cycle and teach the new generation to love their bodies the way it is.

Additionally, it is crucial to talk about this issue within the trans community as well. Indeed, this specific issue is called body dysphoria. As a trans person, it can lead to trying to cover up your body because it is important to be seen as your gender, depending on the type of clothes you wear, or simply your hair to be seen as a man or woman.

Age also became an exciting part of our discussion. Indeed, there’s no denying that older women disappeared from any form of representation; at some point, they are no longer portrayed in advertising, tv shows, and movies. For instance, Meryl Streep (the one and only) talked about how, at a certain age, she only got offers for specific roles, only witches (!). In contrast, George Clooney and Brad Pitt are still on screen as they were in their twenties and are playing key roles while being much older. In the same way, older women are less respected than men in general. Again, it relates to the expectation of women being ‘young and fertile’ to achieve ‘their role’ in society. And after that, it seems like they are not needed anymore.

Women’s bodies also feel like an economic argument for capitalist society. Beauty standards are often used as commercial strategies to get you to spend more money (hair salons, pink tax….). 

Society tells us how we should feel about our weight, hair, sexual orientation, or skin color. We need to learn how to deconstruct these patterns and look for a new way to define our worth without looking at ourselves through society’s eyes. It is about building a new relationship with your body. Moreover, it is also about not defining your worth only upon how you look but instead looking at the things you achieve daily. In the same way, we could also try to address this to other people by complimenting their ideas and actions rather than the way they look. 

Throughout our discussion, people came up with a few solutions on how to deal with possible body issues;

  • Accept it first; love it after
  • Trying to manage the way you feel about yourself
  • Be compassionate about yourself and your body
  • Choosing what you want to be for yourself
  • Choosing which features you want to focus on
  • Make sure to follow good role models
  • Relearn your patterns, react, and speak up

Podcasts do go further on the subject:

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[ic_add_posts category=’Sunday Feminist Discussion’]