You might question your gender identity, feel confused or maybe you are just curious about gender identification. With the aim of giving visibility to non-binary experiences, this little story is not a universal experience, it is personal to me, yet it might reflect commonalities with other stories.
As far as I remember, I have been critical of what is perceived as masculine and feminine, I remember being very upset every Christmas about the division of toys in “boy” (in blue obviously) and “girl” (logically in pink) sections in magazines. Maybe it is due to my upbringing, I believe that after having a daughter, my dad was ready to have a son, and, being confronted with a second girl, he decided to still raise her as a son. Maybe, I was just naturally more masculine. I always had some curiosity in what people commonly see as “masculine interests” (cars, dinosaurs, motorcycle, building things, mechanics…). However, I was constantly confronted with gender stereotypes; I have learned to be well-behaved and polite, I was gifted Barbies when I asked for Hot-Wheels, I did gymnastic and classical dance as a child… This made me feel like I did not fit in what was expected of me as a girl, yet also took me away from fitting as a boy.
As I grew older, gained interest in feminism, learned more about the LGBTQ+ community, and pronouns became more prominent on social media; I started questioning my gender identity. I was taught to be a girl and grew up to be a woman, hence, it was natural and comfortable for me to identify as such, but how I actually felt about my gender was very vague. On the one hand, I despised what society projected on womanhood and the fact that I was being told that I could not do one thing or the other because I was a woman. It also annoyed me that people automatically assumed my gender and I realised that it felt great to be asked for my pronouns or being referred to as “they” by people who did not want to assume anything without knowing. On the other hand, I felt too feminine to identify as non-binary and was worried about not “looking non-binary” enough. I also wondered if rejecting my gender as a woman was reinforcing the ideology that women cannot have masculine interests and that having such interest was taking my femininity away.
After much reflection I opted for she/they pronouns. Firstly, “they” because identifying as non-binary is a way for me to reject and confront the binary ideology of gender. Secondly, keeping “she” to normalise the idea that femininity and womanhood is not one hegemonic experience associated with stereotypes. I might actually have become more comfortable with my femininity since then because it is not constrained to what society pictures of it anymore. It helped me realise that being feminine and masculine was not incompatible and that wearing make-up and heels was not stopping me from fixing cars (ok, maybe the heels part a little, but you got my point).
Femininity and masculinity are subjective. Identifying as a woman today does not mean that you cannot identify as a man tomorrow. Changing your pronouns does not mean that you can never go back; or change them again. Gender is fluid and your gender is what is comfortable to you and not what is comfortable to people around you. Society might still be reluctant to transgender and non-binary identities but such identities have existed for centuries. If change was possible by silencing them, then change is also possible by giving them a voice.